


Indulgence of a Fonder Heart

by khattikeri



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23015431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khattikeri/pseuds/khattikeri
Summary: He could almost picture being loved like this for real. Sweetly and softly, tenderly and gently.Almost.=Or, what Ouma saw in Saihara's Love Hotel fantasy.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 330
Collections: Quality Fics





	Indulgence of a Fonder Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in my V3 rewrite, [Everyone's Killing Reality](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878256?view_full_work=true)! Specificallly, it's a missing scene from chapter 27. 
> 
> This can be read as a standalone, but if you aren't coming here from the link in chapter 44 (5-9) of that, then I do encourage you to read it for more context ~~and because it'll make me happy h~~
> 
> Here we go, the missing scene from Ouma's perspective ^^

_I love Saihara, but I don’t trust him. If I want to get a sense of what he really thinks without him knowing, I only have one option._

Once he was sure the coast was clear and nobody else was out in the courtyard at nighttime, Ouma walked up to the front door of the Love Hotel, looking straight at the selection screen in front of him.

WELCOME, [[KOKICHI OUMA]].

PICK A LOVER.

Ouma clicked on Saihara’s face and waited for the door to buffer. 

=

At last, when he entered the Love Hotel, he was surprised to see it morph into a quiet living room. The fireplace crackled warmly in the background, and he was suddenly curled up against Saihara Shuichi, tangled in blankets on a big armchair, the two of them reading a book together.

_Huh. I almost feel bad. My fantasy’s a lot more sexually charged than whatever this… vanilla setup is…_

The weight of being in the biggest fantasy of the boy he was currently in love with still hadn’t fully settled in Ouma’s mind. It was domestic and tranquil; exactly like Saihara and simultaneously unlike anything Ouma would’ve expected from him at all. He felt completely drawn into Saihara’s little world-- this was all the peace that Ouma could ever secretly want.

Saihara turned a page. Then another. All the while the two remained completely silent.

_I get that he’s a quiet guy, and he’s pretty hard to figure out, but is anything actually gonna happen, or…?_

Saihara pulled the book down, thoughtful. Ouma decided it was now or never.

“...Shuichi?” He tested. They were in a goddamn love hotel; everyone’s fantasies had to involve something romantic like being called by their first name. 

( _Except Rantaro’s,_ Ouma’s brain chimed unhelpfully.)

Saihara sighed wistfully. “I was just thinking… Everything’s so perfect like this. It’s rare that I have a day off from detective work… I just really love being with you.”

Ouma bit his lip, flushed. On top of their close proximity and shared heat from the blankets and skin contact, now he was saying romantic things like this? 

Saihara Shuichi was unpredictable, so it was nice to see him with his walls down a bit. But this? This was really getting to Ouma’s heart.

Saihara continued, smiling serenely. “Ever since we started being together, you’ve been a positive influence on me. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

And there it was. The kicker! The stinger! The absolute wham line that cracked Ouma’s heart and sent him plunging back into reality! He sucked in a breath. _Keep yourself together. This is all a dream._ This was all Saihara’s fantasy. It wasn’t real; Ouma was just a placeholder for whatever wonderful person Saihara happened to actually be in love with.

Positive influence. _Pfft!_

No way it ever could or would be him. He knew it, he knew the truth; that Little Mr. Ultimate Supreme Leader Ouma Kokichi could never be a morally upstanding, caring lover with a genuinely positive, non-manipulative influence over _anyone_ , let alone the boy he loved most.

He sighed to himself in quiet resignation. _Of course it wouldn’t be you._ Those bitter, sad thoughts were cut in half by a chiding voice that sounded awfully reminiscent of Rantaro in his head: _This isn’t even your fantasy, Kokichi. Do your job for now and make Saihara happy while you’re still here, yeah?_

Ouma steeled himself and then spoke: “I’m glad that you’re happy,” he said, and he was almost-- _almost_ disgusted to hear the genuine affection leaking in his voice.

Seeing Saihara genuinely joyful was a rarity on its own… but within the Love Hotel, Ouma could see that beautiful, positively radiant smile up close. He could hear that quiet, honeyed voice speaking to him more fondly than Ouma could ever dream of.

He could almost picture being loved like this for real. Sweetly and softly, tenderly and gently. 

Almost.

The illusion slipped out of his hands like water-- disappointingly easily. People like him didn’t get to have this; that’s just how things were. Romantic relationships and Ouma Kokichi didn’t mix. He had to remind himself this wasn’t real, that even though he loved Saihara and didn’t want to give up on him, it wasn’t his place to force his own desires onto him-- not within the Love Hotel and not within the academy, either.

But at the same time… what did he have to lose by trying? Saihara wouldn’t remember this when he woke up, anyway.

“Shuichi, can I ask you something?” Ouma asked quietly.

Saihara blinked. “Go ahead.”

Ouma took in an uneasy breath. “Do you… Do you really love me for who I am?” His voice cracked, _fuck this fuck that fuck it all f u c k I’m getting too emotional--_

Saihara laughed.

Ouma twitched his mouth in mild irritation; Saihara took the cue and masked the remaining laughs with coughs. “Sorry, sorry, I just-- it’s not like you to doubt yourself so openly, you know?”

_Someone who doesn’t openly doubt themselves…?_

“But yes, I do,” Saihara admitted. “I love you with all my heart. And that’s the truth.”

Ouma’s cheeks colored. “Where’s your evidence, Mr. Detective?” he managed. “You better show me some proof if you’re making a daring assessment like that.”

Saihara hid a giggle behind his hand, then pulled Ouma close, until his ear was pressed against Saihara’s chest.

"Can you hear it?" Saihara asked shyly. The fire roared in the background, but the sound of Saihara's heartbeat was unmistakable.

"Y-Yeah," Ouma swallowed, throat dry. "It's... kinda fast..."

"That's because it’s like I said,” Saihara grinned sheepishly. “I love you with all my heart.” 

Ouma’s own heart was swelled to bursting at this point. “Shuichi,” his voice cracked (god, not _again_ ) as he spoke. “Can you do something else for me?”

“Anything,” Saihara whispered back.

Ouma steadied himself, physically willed his voice to not quiver while saying it and especially while hearing Saihara’s answer. “Say my name.”

Saihara opened his mouth, clearly looking like he was going to answer. “It’s…”

Then he closed his mouth, furrowing his brows. “Huh? Wait… what… your name is…”

Ouma tightened his lips into a line, taut. _How bittersweet. I guess it’s better that he doesn’t have anyone in mind. Better than him having someone specific and then me getting sad when he says their name over mine._

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” he rushed hastily. _Wouldn’t want him thinking so hard about it he realizes it’s a fantasy and wakes up…_ “Instead,” Ouma offered, “Can I do something to you?”

Saihara raised a brow. _“To_ me...?”

Ouma nodded firmly. Saihara regarded him with a gaze that Ouma couldn’t quite place, silent for a moment longer than Ouma would’ve liked-- probably overthinking in that incredible brain of his, as usual. 

_Indulgence,_ a book he remembered from his childhood once said, _is a sign of a fonder heart_. _You must steel yourself, put up walls and make sure nobody sees your deformities. Doing so will rid yourself of desires for self-gratification and luxuries like love. The sooner you stop seeking it, the less you’ll be hurt. It will prime your focus towards safety and survival._

It was his mother’s book. Where she’d gotten it from, Ouma hadn’t the faintest clue, but he distinctly remembered the title being something like a self-help book. She’d circled ‘put up walls’, ‘deformities’, ‘self-gratification’, ‘safety’. His mother annotated the whole thing up and down, left and right. It led Ouma to think of the diary entry he’d accidentally seen once, when his mother left her diary open on the dining table-- _‘for Ouma Konatsu’s eyes only’._

_People are always going to want to hurt me. I can’t afford to let myself open up in front of the kids. Not when they see me as their mother. Not when they’re so young and caring. Every day, I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, and yet, I always patch myself up and put on a smiling face for my children._

_I wish I could indulge a bit. Live normally with them, without fears or worries, and love them to the fullest capabilities of my heart... But I know those men will be after me. There’s too much blood on my hands as an ex-assassin. I can’t trust others, and neither can these kids, if they were ever to find out who I am and who I worked for. We’re all that we have. At least, for now… If those men didn’t send these kids to me as a means of surveillance, or worse…_

Why was Ouma remembering that now? It had been years since then. It had been several years since he’d even seen his mother at all. Why was she coming up in his mind now…? 

_It’s because you’re in a killing game,_ a dastardly voice reminded him. _Because none of these people are trustworthy, as long as there’s a possibility that they’re the person or people who put you here to start with._

Did his mother’s words and thoughts even still matter? Quite frankly, at this point in the killing game, Ouma just wanted to live while he was still alive. 

Saihara finally broke their silence and nodded, letting out a noise of affirmation. “Okay.”

Ouma put his hand over Saihara’s eyes, feather light, and leaned in to kiss him…

_The sooner you stop seeking it, the less you’ll be hurt._

...on the cheek.

A last minute switch, but still good enough. After all, having his first kiss be within the confines of a fantasy, where the other party didn’t even know who he was… it didn’t sit right with Ouma.

( _It had absolutely nothing to do with Mom and her book’s advice,_ Ouma lied to himself.)

Saihara made a noise of confusion. “Why aren’t I allowed to see your face?” he asked teasingly, gently taking hold of Ouma’s wrist.

“Don’t want you seeing me flustered,” Ouma muttered. “Even if it’s just within a fantasy…”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Saihara finally pulled Ouma’s hand away from his eyes. He took in the sight of Ouma’s blush for a moment, gaze nearly investigative, before pulling Ouma into a hug.

“I love you,” Saihara whispered, words flowing into Ouma’s ears like silk. “You’re incredible. Thank you for the best day off I’ve had in ages.”

The world around Ouma began to fade into white. _So that’s how his fantasy ends… How romantic._

_=_

And when Ouma woke up, mysteriously back in his dorm room, he found that he wasn’t even disappointed. He’d gotten a taste of what he wanted, and that would have to suffice for the rest of the game-- hopefully a short amount of time, but likely not, since he’d have to think of a better way to prevent Iruma from killing him within that virtual world she was creating, and of a way to deduce further what Saihara’s intentions were.

Despite everything, the words from his mother’s book and diary still rang in his head. Ouma closed his eyes one more time and turned to the side, clinging to his blanket in a desperate attempt to hold on to the feeling of Saihara’s warmth and let go of the cold advice from his past.

_A ruthless supreme leader with a fond heart, huh…_

_=_

**Author's Note:**

> Once again I will implore you all to check out the parent fic, [Everyone's Killing Reality](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878256?view_full_work=true)! There are definitely heavier themes and graphic killing game things, but nothing worse than canon in terms of violence/death/mental and emotional trauma.
> 
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated! If you like my fics or just want to talk Danganronpa, throw me a message on tumblr or twitter! I'm @/khattikeri on both platforms. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed it <3


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